Living in fast forward
I found out over the weekend that Amber descibes me as something between a snapping turtle and a pirana. Nice! Whatever is going inside this head of mine needs to stop. I don't want her to grow up and hate me or worse. On the other hand, I don't want her to think she can push me around. When I was with her father he did the disciplining and I was the push-over but that all changed when he left. I think I've done a pretty good job of being the tough but loving parent over the past 6 years. Lately though I've been down right crabby and I've been taking it out on her. It's not fair to her and I really need to be more patient when it comes to her demands. Sometimes she does things that make me mad but I'm the only that has control over my feelings and reactions. I should talk in a normal tone and explain, not scream and cuss my responses.
Yesterday after returning from the weekend with her friend I did really well. Even this morning when she didn't want to get up after her alarm had gone off many times, I simply said she needed to get up before we were late. She also didn't feel good this morning, she was complaining of a sore throat, I took her temperature (normal), looked at her throat (red and swollen) and gave her the option of going to school or staying home. She decided to go. Normally it might have gone something like this: Alarm goes off many times and I start yelling for her to get up or we're going to be f*cking late. Then she would've said she didn't feel good and I would've blamed it on her for staying up too late and not getting enough sleep this weekend. She would've started crying which would've made her feel worse and she would've gone to school mad at me and feeling like crap. I would've gone to work upset that I made her feel worse and sent her to school when she was too sick to be going. Instead, by me being an adult and being patient we gave each other a kiss on the cheek and went on with our day.
The next test will be going home and not letting the stresses of work flow into my home life. What I have to remember is I can leave work stress at work and it will still be waiting for me when I get back in the morning. I can't solve work problems at home anyway. Thank God I don't have to LIVE with my boss!
I'm not sure why I've been so crabby lately, there isn't anything I can pinpoint it on. It helped me extemely being outside on Saturday and working. I helped Steve drag brush from a tree he had cut down and we burned it. So even though it was cold, we had a huge bonfire to keep us warm, and I actually broke a sweat!! I get really tired of being pinned up inside 24/7. I'm definitely a summer person and this extreme cold wears on me. Also, if I can't pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me, it must be in my head. If I'm bothered about the few pounds I put on, I have two choices; 1. Lose weight or 2. Just be happy with myself. Very simple.
Everything is about choices and I can choose to be mad and pissed or I can choose to let it roll off my back and be happy. I decided I wanted the latter.
