And I have lost a woman's love

It was 3 years ago today I met Steve. Talk about a relationship that hasn't progressed. Don't get me wrong I like to spend time with Steve but I can tell you for sure after 3 years...he's not the one! The scary thing is if he had asked me to marry him 2 years ago, I would have said yes and I would completely miserable right now.

It's not that Steve is a mean person, he's not at all. In fact, he's a very nice guy and he's always willing to help me, it's just that he not my "type." I'm a very loud, outspoken, friendly, extrovert type of girl. I don't mind going into a loud bar every once in a while and I also don't mind just hanging out with my friends but Steve is the opposite. When the bar gets too loud...he wants to leave. He never wants to do things with my friends, either making excuses about them or himself.

Steve met my parents for the second time this past Thanksgiving. He's never met any of my grandparents and only 1 of my aunts out of 20 or so aunts/uncles.  Out of all my friends he's only been around CM a handful of times and only briefly met the other ones. (He wouldn't be able to recogonize them on the street). He doesn't go out his way to have conversation with Amber, just the usual "Hi, how ya doing?" kind of thing. She's gotten to the point that she will openly tell me and anyone that ask, she doesn't like Steve. He doesn't know she feels this way.

I've never felt like a very important part of Steve's life. I know he has a large family and they are very important part of his life but I never felt my niche when it came to how he felt about me in that picture. (At this very moment, he's in AR with his son, d-n-l, and granddaughter visiting his family). He doesn't say the words "I love you" to me although I thinks he does. I hear him say it to his sons, mom and sisters so it's not that he's the type not to say it. I said something about it last October and his response was "I do love you." But I haven't heard those words since and I only heard them a handful of times shortly after we started going out.

I may not be prettiest or thinnest girl around but he picked me and asked me for my number so why after 3 years do I see him "staring" at other girls. It pisses me off to no end if he misses one of my pool shots because some girl caught his eye. I look at men and I won't deny it but I don't stare! There is a difference. As mush as it embarrasses me to write that last part it doesn't even matter much because I don't find Steve that desirable anymore.

Another thing that bothers me is his lack physical contact. He never holds my hand or puts his arm around me anymore. We sit together at the races but never touch. We used sit to next to each other on his couch now he sits in his recliner. He never leans over and gives me a kiss "just because." We kiss when we're leaving each other. It's all become a friendship and that is exactly the way it feels...just friends. It's so wierd because normally people start off friends and move on to a bf/gf relationship but we're doing it backwards.

As I grew up I always imagined getting married to that one guy and spending the rest of my life with him. Just like my parents...39 years and still in love. But the older I get the less I see it happening. I just can't imagine conforming my life to marry a man. I like love being single and I don't mind sleeping by myself, cutting the grass or washing my truck. I'm proud of everything I've acclompished without a "husband."

Anyway, I'm sure today will pass like any other day. It's Monday and I'll probably cut the grass when I get home from work, throw in a load of laundry and spend the evening on my deck drinking a jack and reading my book. And that is okay with me.

Posted by: kathie on 5/21/2007 3:04:36 PM , 5 comments